DOD to use COD4 players as soldiers in robot army?

Washington D.C.
Seymour Shleppermoteur
BASH Senior Robot Army Correspondent

A Department of Defense worker, who would not reveal his identity today, revealed to BASH that the United State's large and growing robotic army will not only go into action early next year, but that unaware gamers would be at their controls.

In this bizarre, but extremely plausible scenario, the DOD's one-million and half military grade assault robots would be grouped into battalions and flown into world trouble spots. Once on the ground they would be charged up and armed by human military robot-minders and linked to a massively-multi-node battlefield telecommunications network (BTN). Data links to North America would be established and motile control transferred over to human "tele-soldiers", one per robot, sitting in front of a computer screen. The tele-soldiers would then command the robots using only simple keyboard clicks and a mouse.

This concept is not new and the United States Robotic Assault Force (USRAF) has been in place for some time. While the robotic technology has proven robust, the problem has been to find a million and a half human beings willing and able to command the robots. The robosoldier is not fitted with Artificial Intelligence and requires human input for it to move, shoot, dig foxholes and so on. And the only people capable of performing well in virtual military maneuvers are already busy...playing first person shooter video games.

The breakthrough apparently has been found through work being conducted by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA). To address the lack of skilled people guiding the robosoldiers, DARPA is recommending that gamers be recruited as telesoldiers. But, these players will not be told that the consequence of their virtual actions will have real-world implications.

As yet unidentified game manufacturer's will modify their games so that when players log into multiplayer mode, they will automatically be logged into the BTN system and allow seamless control by a player over a lethal robosoldier.

Game scenarios will constantly be kept up to date with real-world events and will be made to match battlefield objectives. Robot sensors will convey battlespace information back to the player, who will unknowingly guide his "player" into that space in an attempt to score what he thinks are points. The on-screen images the player sees will still appear to be all part of the game and the player will not be aware of the reality of his actions.

Apparently, DARPA and the DOD were reluctant to implement this plan but both Korea and India are forcing their hand (india's robot army). Our source in the DOD went on to say that in addition this was a natural evolution given that we have been under the control of robopoliticians for years.

Call of Duty 4 Disinformation v2.0

BASH does not yet know what COD4 will be like, but we know what the COD4 Expansion pack - set for Fall of 2008 will contain.

Our source at IW, "Megabyte-me" sends us these tantalizing facts:

"The COD4 Expansion pack will be known as National Guard Rebellion. The game is set in 2008. National Guard units fighting in foreign lands rebel at postings so far from their home and take the fight to the nation's capital itself.
The weaponry will still date to World War II due to the fact that National Guard units never get the best weapons.
Rebellion will follow Guard Dwight Hill and his platoon as they battle against House of Representative pages and undersecretary's.
In the final battle for the Capitol, Hill's team comes up against an embattled Vice-president who is holed up in a trench with five of his aides, three of whom he has wounded himself."

Call of Duty 4 Disinformation

In an attempt to continue BASH's tradition of bringing you irresponsible journalism in easy-to-read, bite-size chunks, we wanted to inform our readers that there are an ever increasing number of internet reports purporting to have evidence of the new Call of Duty 4 currently being worked on by Infinity Ward.

Here are some "facts" that BASH has put together based on internet rumors:

1. From neowin.com, COD4 will be based on modern war, probably set in the middle east: neowin

Neowin reports that the damage modeling in COD4 will be second to none:

"while most shooters have two or three critical points on the head, Call of Duty 4 has 16, saying that you can shoot the side of an opponent’s helmet to make it spin on their head, or knock the helmet clean off. Supposedly you will even be able to
shoot an enemy’s ear off."

3. Infinity Ward will be responsible for bringing COD4 to PC gamers as well as to consoles.

4. Call of Duty HQ says the following:

"I can say, however, that the chances of IW following the track of DICE's Battlefield franchise are very high. That is to say, CoD4 = CoD Modern Warfare, and CoD5 may be CoD Future Warfare. That is totally speculation at this point." cod2hq

Even after they read the article, Call of Duty HQ readers responded oddly to this poll:

What's your prediction for CoD4?

Modern Warfare 24.66% (91)
Pacific Front 20.05% (74)
Vietnam 14.36% (53)
Future Warfare 3.25% (12)
World War 2 37.67% (139)

5. Check out these purported COD4 images from gamereactor.se

This is hysterical. Note the following website, these pictures are real and from IRAQ.
Any website showing these should be ashamed. And gets the official BASH, "LOL"

http://www.fotos.geschichtsthemen.de/iraq-war/iraq.htm

6. planetcallofduty though, unlike BASH, likes to check its facts. they were all over the leaked COD4 video story and set the record straight: http://www.planetcallofduty.com/

COD2 Weapon Selection and Virtue

BASH Special Science Report, Jan 2007
Elron Humpershclitz, Senior Statistician; O. Mai Jonson Labs FLA.

Anyone playing even one hour of COD2 online will inevitably run across the argument over who's weapon is more manly.

How many of you have heard or read the following during online play:

"...put the noobstick away, that's thing's for pu**ies";

"Men don't use sniper rifles...come over here if you want to fight";

"LOL. You call that a gun? My grandmother's more lethal with her purse"

Well in an effort to put this argument to rest, BASH commisioned the Jonson Labs to determine the relative virtue of the more popular weapons used on Call of Duty 2.

The criteria we chose was Testicular Fortitude. This could easily be measured by our trained technicians. We rounded up 283 COD2 players during a gaming convention held late last year near Boca Raton. Each player was asked to identify their favorite weapon and then measured for fortitude. The results were averaged and are presented below.

The graph speaks for itself.


In the spirit of full disclosure, I should tell you that I also play COD2 and my favorite weapon is the Luger. With all humility, I've been told I tested off the chart.

Sociological underpinnings of the Meanieface >:<

BASH Natural Science Article
Dr. Peddigrew Moulton III; Semotician, Department of Sociology, York Univ., Toronto

Whilst doing basic research for my best-selling post-doctorate thesis "Sacred Self-pleasuring Ceremonies amongst the Koori Tribes of Australia", or as it's become known in the lay community, "One Hand washes the other", I came across an interesting sociological phenomenon.

One evening, while playing on a Call of Duty server back in 2006, I began to notice a distinct ancient symbol being displayed in player's nicknames.

It was the Meanieface: > : <

This symbol is ancient and can be seen painted on heroic warriors stretching back to the beginning of time. It's purpose was to strike fear in the heart of their enemy and simultaneously hearten their comrades.

I had not come across the symbol in recent emoticon literature; interestingly, the last public sighting of this symbol was back in 1938, hand scrawled on a poster of Benito Mussolini in Rome's Piazza di Spagna by a graffiti artist.

Clearly, witnessing the symbol's return was a shocking event for me as it signals a possible return of violent and regressive behavior in society. The uptick in violence around the world and the near constant talk of war these last few years have certainly contributed to the return of this symbol.

This is why I thought I would alert the readers of BASH to it's return and to warn of the slippery slope that might be ahead of us. If history teaches us anything it is that life is a cycle and we are simply going through a phase. Hopefully, we can pass through this quickly. Indeed witness a picture of Mussolini only five years after the one taken above:

Reference Links:

Emoticons http://www.muller-godschalk.com/emoticon.html
Semiotics: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semiotics

Who's honoring us now? (v 2.0)

We came across this German language website today: http://callofduty-news.de/

None of us at BASH speak German, unless you call being able to ask out a prostitute in Hamburg, or order a weinershnitzel in Frankfurt, "knowing German" (I'm talking to you, Friedrich); however, we did make out the fact that their NEWS segment linked to BASH's Ten Commandments of COD2.

Using Google Translation, the German website, translated below, seems to expound near unanimity with BASH's utopic worldview of COD2 gaming:

"A few young from Bash with Biblical support the “10 requirements of call placed OF Duty 2” on the legs. It concerns no large thing, but looks at themselves it you simply times. If we adhere to the requirements, then everyone of our religion teachers, nevertheless nothing taught inclined can be and live we in a better world. Amen!"

Amen indeed. danke Brüder.

We here at Bash noticed one other thing. The picture showing the Commandments doesn't point to our website but points to a file storage site. Clearly they downloaded the picture and saved it on another site. At the bottom right of our Commandments it clearly states "Jock Yitch (C) 2007".

Guess the Germans may not have read the original commandments.

We're very forgiving though and we'll let this slide. After all, it's not like the Germans have ever caused us any problems in the past.

Joker's been at it again!

Following up on our interview with Extreme+ modder {PST} Joker, the new Extreme+ mod (v1.50) for Call of Duty 2 is up and ready.

Here is partial text of the email he just sent me detailing the novelties and modifications to the previous version (v1.49d).

For serious players and server administrators out there, more information about this new modification can be found at www.extremecod.com

Modification for Call of Duty 2 multiplayer 1.3
---------------------------------------------------
Name : eXtreme+
Version: 1.5
Author : Astoroth & eXtreme+ Support Crew*
Site : http://www.extremecod.com

Features
-----------
- Weather effects
- Tracers
- Ambient planes
- Disable stock map fx
- Clan specific welcome messages and voting options
- Bleeding and bleeding messages
- Ingame statistics board
- Livestats
- Movie mode
- Spectate/death/end/stats/voting music
- Announcement sounds
- Teamkill detection with different punishments.
- Server messages
- Welcome messages
- Disable minefields
- Server/Clan logo text and/or picture
- Sprinting
- Map voting
- Customizable killcam time
- Healthbar
- Random maprotation
- Playerbased maprotation
- Maprotation error correction
- Painsounds
- Deathsounds
- Checking and renaming of duplicate player names
- Anti camping system
- Extended obituary messages
- Turret abuse system
- Disable deathicons
- Disable nadeicons
- Disable stanceicons
- Disable weapon drops
- Disable grenade drops
- Disable pistols
- Disable objective points
- Disable damage feedback
- Disable/Force crosshair
- Disable/Force crosshair enemy color
- Disable health regeneration
- Colored smoke grenades
- Headpopping
- Helmetpopping
- Damage modifiers
- Unknown Soldier handling
- Blood splatter on screen
- Cold breath
- Change gravity
- Change speed
- Healthpacks/Medikits
- Mortars
- Tripwires frag and smoke grenades
- Remove bodies and sink bodies
- Ammo limiting
- Weapon limiting
- Dvar to stop clientside exploits
- Spawn protection
- Selectable secondary weapon
- Turret disabling
- Rotating MOTD
- Command monitor
- Weapon drop on arm/hand/leg/foot hit
- Forced autoassign
- Taunts
- Player model limiter
- Laserdot
- Bulletholes on screen
- Ranksystem with rankicons
- Ammo crates
- Panzerschrecks
- G43 Sniper
- Weapon class usage option
- Enemy weapon usage
- Grenade warning
- WMD contol (option to set a rank that allows you to call in airstrikes, mortars, artillery and napalm)

New gametypes
-------------
- Last Team Standing
- Last Man Standing
- Hold the Flag
- Individual Hold the Flag
- Domination
- Onslaught
- Capture the Flag back
- VIP
- Classic Headquarters
- Conquest

Changes
-----------
1.5.0:
Livestats can also be shown in non teambased gametypes
"Hopefully" fixed an issue with the vip pistols regarding maxammo
Statushud now shows ranks while playing
Fixed a bjusters taunt issue with the dvar settings
Added gametypes ONS and LMS (onslaught and last man standing)...these are experimental
Updated DOM2 to DOM3
Fixed respawn bug in CTFB when switching teams
Minor bugfixes
Edited timer/round clocks: without logopic the clock shows big and on left top side, with logopic it shows small in center top, with logopic AND gametypes lms, htf, ihtf, dom, ons it shows small right top side on the hud.

Wojohowski missing, feared lost

New Jersey - BASH Special Investigation (copyright 2007)

BASH has just learned that our intrepid Fashion, Automotive and Crime Reporter, Hillary Wojohowski has gone missing.

Police in Garden City are quoted as saying that while she was reported missing only yesterday she has actually been gone since last Friday.

Phyllis Melman, of Passaic N.J., a life-long friend of the reporter told BASH that this was no surprise to her, "...no one really notices Hillary. She could be the only one in the room and she'd blend in with the lamp. She's quite dull, you see".

Sgt. Larry Enright of the New Jersey State Police said there was absolutely no evidence of foul play or that her expose' of the Western New Jersey Wastemanagement Group had anything to do with this, "At least that's what it says on this bit of paper I was asked to read", said Sgt. Enright.

Who's honoring us now?

Loyal BASH listeners, I would like to announce that Matthew Pruitt over at http://www.planetcallofduty.com/ was kind enough to showcase BASH in his January 23rd news segment.

planetcallofduty is the premiere website for reading COD-related news.

Matt runs a superb website and deserves your patronage, so give his site a try, you'll be hooked!

Remember...no one fights alone, so try: www.planetcallofduty.com

The Ten Commandments of COD2

And lo, on the 2,867,843rd day, Adonai delivered the gaming scriptures unto the masses.
And these did they number 10, for that was as many fingers the masses could counteth upon.
And 10 was what they did count.
Oh verily, it was good.

By popular demand, here are BASH's Top 10 COD2 Commandments (click to enlarge...were it so simple in real life!).

Western New Jersey Wastemanagement Group

New Jersey - BASH Special Investigation (copyright 2007)
Hillary Rodham Wojohowski (nee Smith)

The BASH news studios this week broke the story of the hostile takeover of the Devil-Dogz Gaming Corporation by the heretofore unheard of Western New Jersey Wastemanagement Group (WNJWG).

As heard exclusively on Jock Yitch's "BASH" webcast, WNJWG spokesperson Tony Scungile had this to say about the takeover: "...hey is that provolone? Cut me a piece?"

Chilling.

The news has reverberated throughout the gaming world as other Call of Duty server administrators wait in fear of being bought out by this juggernaut garbage disposal unit that, on the surface, looks to takeover multiplayer gaming.

Who is the WNJWG? Who is Scungile and who are his puppet masters? Your humble correspondent was sent to find out. After 2 days of traveling that took me literally across town and back, our BASH news team has the answers.

Organization Chart (known to date)

Anthony Vincenzo Scungile
a.k.a "The Nutcracker", a.k.a. "Tone Loc"

Department: Collections (if you know what I mean)
Position: Lieutenant
Experience: 1980-1985 Attica State Penitentiary (Theft under $50)
Supervisor: Gianni Fedora

With the purchase of the Devil Dogz, Scungile now becomes the day to day supervisor of the DD's network of gaming servers.


Bobodan Clownowski
a.k.a "Bobo the Clown"

Department: Collections
Position: Driver
Experience:
Supervisor: Gianni Fedora

Bobo is Scungile's right hand man.



ARTIST's RENDERING


Don Ho
a.k.a "The Dry Cleaner", a.k.a. "Perc"

Department: Dry Cleaning
Position: First Lead Hand
Experience: 10 years with Trichlorethane
Supervisor: -

Cleans all the organization's laundry. If you know what I mean, yet again.



Gianni Fedora
a.k.a "The Hat", a.k.a. "Johnny Fed"

Department: Collections
Position: Vice President/Capo (emphasis on Vice)
Experience: 1970-1971 1 year detention, 55th Street Junior High School (Peeing on school property).

As head of the Collections department, Fedora oversees most of the capital inflow into the company. Shrewd, lewd and an avid nudist, Fedora is the big cheese, the grande provolone if you will, of the organization. Find him and you will find garbage.

We here at BASH will continue to observe this group and will keep you our listeners and readers aware of their every move.

COD to English Dictionary

As most of you remember, the first three or four months playing COD2 multiplayer, aside from having your butt kicked by the experienced players, one of the most frustrating parts of the experience is the lack of familarity with the words and phrases that we now take for granted on here.

As a service to the new and/or foreign (english-as-a-second language) player I thought I'd put together a list of acronyms and COD-ishisms that we regularly hear on the servers.

So here is my COD to English Dictionary. Please post entries you have come across in the comments sections.

• AWE - Additional War Effects, COD2 multiplayer modification by Bell.
• bash - killing your opponent by hitting him with your rifle.
• bashfests - bash only games (no shooting)
  
• bolts - rifles
• boyscout - see camper.
  
• bunnyhopping - describes jumping about during a close combat fight.
• camper - a player that stays put in a hidden spot and seldom moves: a tactic most despised on multiplayer servers.
  
• cap - score a flag in Capture the Flag game
• COD - Call of Duty
• collision point - the point on the map where two opposing teams will likely clash.
  
• CTF - capture the flag (gametype)
• DM - death match (gametype)
• DOM - domination (gametype)
• FPS - first person shooter game
• fragger - see "run'n gun"
  
• HTF - hold the flag (gametype)
• ledging - leaning out of windows or exploiting the map
• nadefest - games where there was an excessive use of fragmentation grenades.
  
• nft - nice freaking trip (trip wire kill)
• nn - nice grenade (nice nade)
• ns - nice shot
• own (also pwn) - dominate over another player in combat
• pb - Punk Buster
• run'n gun - a server that encourages "running and gunning" tactics
  
• scrim - scrimmage (match) against another team
  
• TDM - Team death match (gametype)
• TWL - Team warefare league
• VIP - Very important player. AWE gametype.
  

BASH Format morphs!

Chico, our producer has been tinkering with the show format for the past few weeks and is homing in on what he thinks the show ought to be like.

Our first webcasts were more like half hour lectures than what we want the show to be: fun! So he's made some changes.

You'll find the new and improved BASH has morphed into a feature-rich, magazine style format.

Check out the following standard segments in upcoming BASH episodes:

• INTRODUCTION
• CHECKLIST: A summary of what is coming up on BASH.
• MAIN FEATURE: The major topic on today's show.
• NEWS: Call of Duty news.
  
• RAMPAGE!: A segment on gaming petpeeves
• DOMINATING!: A handy tips feature
• KILLINGSPREE!: Results from any clan on clan scrims
  
• SHOUTOUT!: Listener mail.

As well, we've re-loaded ALL the BASH episodes back on the main webcast server, so you'll find all 6 episodes to date on there.

Let us know your opinions on what the show should sound like. Please post your comments below. It's easy to do. And ... you can do so anonymously.

Joker's Wild!

I would like to thank the Phoenix Sniper Teams's very own Joker for coming on the show this week! Although, with all our engineers being shot up, the audio was fairly poor, Joker's brilliance shone through. Kudos Joker and thanks for all the work you've done for the community, Extreme+ and the PST.

Joker's from California and loves the hobby! He's been asked by Astoroth (the person who spearheaded the Extreme+ modification to COD2) to help him keep Extreme+ going. Joker's been one of the technical gurus on www.extremecod.com. If you are a server manager and you run Extreme+, I'll guarantee you've either read or heard something from Joker that helped you set up your server.

If you are interested in seeing Joker up close and personal...log into PST's sniping server which can be found at COD 2 Snipe Server : 64.27.1.130:28960

Don't forget, the servers on PST are PUBLIC but being asked on the team is by invitation only - so you may want to drop by their webpage and tell them how great a sniper you are ... or better yet, prove it on their servers (or, if you're like me, clean up their clubhouse, detail Joker's car, or cut his lawn ... I expect an invite any day soon).

This is the PST webpage: http://www.phoenixsniperteam.com


Here's another great link: http://www.pstmapping.com for mapping information.

Clean headshots Joker!

Trends in COD2

Hello again everyone.

Here are some statistics from ServerSpy.net that tell you how popular COD2 still is!
The data was taken tonight. Click to enlarge.

Title Popularity: COD2 is #5 on ServerSpy.


This next slide is a breakdown by game type. TDM (Team death match) is by far the most favorite, followed by Search and Destroy and Capture the flag. Interestingly, server owners haven't figured this out. There seems to be a huge S&D capacity (54.2% of all servers are set up for S&D) yet only 26% of players are playing it.


This next chart shows you the popularity of COD2 maps. Railyard (Russia) blows them all away.


Interestingly, XFIRE did a poll that suggests that a very large majority, over 50% of COD2 gamers think that the game will last for another 5 years. 7% thought it had another year left.

reference:
http://www.xfire.com/xf/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=102223

BASH Fanmail

Purse your lips (hiccup) and blow the celebratory horns everyone, BASH has received its first ever unsolicited fan-mail.

And man, are we stoked! (Burp).

The crew and I have been partying non-stop over this for the past 24 hours. In fact I can barely see the keyboard at the moment as I am currently blowing way past 0.08.

Ok...Truth be told (hiccup) we were already 15 hrs into the partying when we got the fan-mail, but I like to think we were psychic about the whole thing.

From: '{PST}kingNOOB'
Sent: Mon Jan 8 8:59
To:

Hello, just a bit of information!

I'm a member of PST, was just listening to episode 5 where you said where
ppl listened to BASH. Just wanna inform you that i live in Northern Norway,
at 71 degrees to be exact! Good show btw! :)

Thank you kingNOOB way up there in beautiful Norway. 71 degrees, eh? Must be global warming. I kid. I kid. I know you're talking trigonometry and stuff.

The Norwegian Flag.


Check out where all our Northern Listeners live:
















I have always wanted to go to Norway. They of course have this wonderful Viking heritage: they were fearsome warriors. The mere sight of a Viking ship would make an 8th century Irishman pee his leine.






Gunnar, fearsome Viking warrior.




Very handsome people in Norway. And clearly, they've got great taste in webcasts.

{PST} kingNOOB has been playing COD2 (belch) since it came out and is a regular on the PST game servers. Not a fragger, as he calls it (run and gun style of play) he'd nevertheless like to check out the Devil Dogz server.

Well kingNOOB, you can get the IP addresses for the (spittle) servers on the devil dogz website (link on my webcast page), but I'll make it easy for you...here you go:

Devil dogz server (New Jersey): 66.55.131.100

Our "War" Server (St. Louis) is: 8.6.75.166

We use Ventrilo 66.55.149.15, Port number 4664 for communications.

kingNOOB also asked me when are we doing a piece on COD2 mapping?

Well, that's where we're headed. There's still a bit of a way to go to get there but we do intend to talk about creating maps and doing serious modding. My guess though is that we're a few months away at the very least as we have some ground to cover before we can get there.

Our intention with Bash is have you the listener travel on a journey through COD2 starting from the very beginning (remember when you kept fragging yourself with your own nades ... wasn't that cute!) and progress into the more technically sophisticated topics without completely blowing your minds.

Wish us luck on that.

In the meantime, please marvel at a Norwegian Fjord - I just love the fiddly little curves...

BASH Studio Personnel

Here's the scoop on my crew here in the Studio.

Of course I couldn't do the show without the enormous help from my, mostly competent staff. I hired most of them myself. I was on a meth and vodka binge the month I did most of my hiring, so I am really pleased at how well things turned out. Could have been much worse! I am on an 11 step program now and things are cool. I was on a 12 stepper, but why push it, eh? Here are some of the more important players:

Host

The host has to be personable, possessing razor sharp wit and dulcet toned. He must be good looking....sexy even (has to bring in 16-35 yr old female audience after all). The host quarterbacks the webcast. He has to be smart enough to make audibles to his staff and agile enough to leap over obstacles they may throw up in his way.

With great humility, I am clearly the only one on the staff that can fill this role. Meet Jock Yitch, esq. Mellifluous sounds and chick magnet, rolled into one package.

Keep the squealing down girls...high frequency sounds frighten me. Just throw panties. I love panties....droooool.

Producer

Juan Pablo "Chico" Escobar Esquierdo, a.k.a. "Rolling Thunder" (he likes chili). Esquierdo was one of the most successful radio producers of all time. Heard of Dr. Laura? How about The Wendy Williams Experience? The Don and Mike Show? Great programs that Esquierdo had nothing to do with, but were amongst his favorites. Chico did produce "Grand Funk" a talk show on depression, for a small community college in Mississauga, Ontario. All was well until the college found out he was nearly completely deaf and was faking the whole thing. Talk about talent! I knew I had to get this guy and I did. It took a lot of hand waving to convince him let me tell you. Yessireee.

Well, a $599.99 CAD hearing aid later, he's got enough hearing to put together the wonderful show you get to hear every week.

Gaffer

From the Latin, gaffo (v), to gaff. The gaffer takes the art of duct-taping to new heights. This is as you can imagine a highly, highly important and praised talent in such media arts as radio and television and of course the much ballyhooed porn industry (an under appreciated talent...ever try taking a band aid off your hairy arm?). If the host is the heart of the show, the producer is the brain, the gaffer is probably the big toe (on the left foot).

Yorgi Uzbek was our gaffer. He embodied the Classical Greco-Roman form of gaffo-ludicrinario. An excerpt from our HR profiles booklet (Ba!shites), he can be described as 6'2", 200 lbs, closely cropped hair and soulful, caring eyes. Square shoulders and tight buttocks. He was a Russian immigrant from the textile town of Vagina, Kurgan (Belozerzky). Yorgi had it all. That is, if you include a clapped-out 1975 Fiat-Uno and a real bad case of recurring Herpes.

Yorgi was a gaffer's gaffer. Unfortunately, his stints in Chechnya as a young lieutenant in the Russian special forces (Spetsnaz) may have caused untold psychological trauma.

Maybe this is what caused him to allegedly blow up the BASH Studios here in downtown Toronto. I however, am positive it was a misunderstanding. Yorgi couldn't speak English well and my instructions for a new microphone could easily have been interpreted as "set demolition charges to all the structural supports in the building, wire the charges and set the detonator...then stand back and depress the plunger". Could have happened to anyone.

Yorgi is on the lam right now. He can be identified by his picture at right (the obvious question mark tattoo should give him away).

Sound/Audio Engineer

The single most dangerous profession in webcasting. BASH lost it's first Audio Engineer to a ricochet hollow-point during an all out assault in the first week of the show. Bob "Lefty" Terwilliger recovered from being shot but he quit the show soon after.

In his place, BASH is blessed to have Friedrich "Meier" Teufelhunde working the knobs. Freidrich has been working his knobs all his life and has gotten really really good at it. This photo was taken last week and shows the state of the art studio we used to have. Alas...

Friedrich comes from the great Schweinhaus Deutschrock production studios in Stuttgart. He was the one who told Silbermond to lose the guitars and instead use the mouth harp for their great power chord ballad "Mein schlong ist wunderbar".

The Studio

BASH comes from the hub of one of the most dynamic cities in the known world: Toronto, Canada. The big smoke. Hog Town. The Queen City. Trawna. The formerly state of the art facilities are now a smouldering ruin (see photo right). But we will rebuild.

To my American friends, here are a few facts about Toronto:

• The downtown is populated by mostly Sunni Canadians and they hate the Shiite Canadians living in the suburbs (known as the 905 area).
• No one in Toronto speaks French. If you hear anyone speaking French, the immediate area (by a law enacted by Parliament) becomes a free fire zone. It's the only time Canadians are allowed to use firearms.
• Toronto is a multicultural city. Torontonians are all inclusive and love immigrants as long as their house prices continue to climb at record rates, else they should all be sent back to the flea-infested holes they all came from.
• Toronto is a clean city. We have a huge cleaning staff that washes the sidewalks with Palmolive just before the morning rush-hour.