The Return of FPS Doug

FPS Doug meets his match: RTS Jeremy!

Headshot montage:



Here's the other FPS Doug clips:

this-guy-needs-diagnosis-dr-phil.html

Funny FPS trailer: Team Fortress 2

Yet another sneak peek at CoD4 has surfaced...it's called: Last Stand.

Oh and here's another CoD4 video, called Deep Impact.

CoD4 just a bit too serious for ya? Well, if you want to see a trailer with a slightly eclectic bent BubbaGump (BASH Episode 20, 26) told me about this Valve FPS classic (from 2006): Team Fortress 2.

The trailers are hilarious.

Why Jock? Why?

Sometimes, in the gaming world, a time comes in the life of a "clan" or "guild" where a member must be banished. The reasons for the eviction can range from showing disrespect to fellow clan members, cheating, to general oafishness.

Typically, the member about to be banned never sees it coming - and their usual response when you show them the door is, "Why?".

If you run into this situation...don't bother explaining it to them...point them to this video.

BASHIE for June: ElJuan (Reader of the month)

The BASHIE for June goes to BASH reader ElJuan, who posted a critique of this here blog on a British forum:

Has anyone else ever come across this? I found it a couple of weeks ago while trying to find some more information about CoD2 server mods, and it's quite an interesting read. It's not updated every day but the guy who writes it comes up with some good stuff when he does post. Today's entries are about how the team behind the eXtreme mod are scrapping version 1.7 which was due to be out this week to move straight on to 2.0, and a security exploit that has been discovered in the CoD2 votemap function that was found by an Italian man who seems to specialise in looking for game server exploits and ways to fix them.

Good stuff.

It was very nice of him to say these things and even nicer that he still reads BASH inspite of the fact that I'm currently under a legal cloud due to those silly "practicing Exorcism without a Catholic priest" charges pending in Tennessee. I'm innocent by the way.

As a tribute to ElJuan we here at BASH are making his town, Lincoln U.K., BASH CallofDutyVille for the whole month of June. For this whole month, when we say CallofDutyVille, we will all know that, that is the place ElJuan comes from.

A big BASH booya to ElJuan. By the by, he's got a really nice blog where he voices strong opinions about gaming...check it out here.



Past BASHIE recipients:

BASHIE Winners

BASH, the first 65 years.

Raw Meat: Vegan Call of Duty player gets pwned

Jock Yitch, (c) 2007

BASH Culinary Expert and Diet Columnist

In a spectacular act of futility last night, vegan and well-known pacifist, Lance Boyle, a.k.a. "Cholesterol", as he is known in the online gaming world, managed to die a grand total of one-hundred and twelve times during a fifteen minute game of Call of Duty 2, Capture the Flag (CTF).

This feat of daring-do-not, came within three deaths of the current all-time record for being killed in a game of CTF. That honor of course goes to the late Finnish CoD2 player, Kai Knukleheden ({XMF} Shoot-me-now): 185 consecutive deaths.

While Knukleheden would later attribute his lack of skill to "a spate of bad luck", Boyle has not yet admitted any such deficiency.

This afternoon, BASH caught up with "Cholesterol" and we asked him where his game went horribly wrong.

BASH: Mr. Boyle, you were killed one-hundred and twelve times in twenty minutes, that's once every ten seconds. Were you having trouble focusing last night?

BOYLE: No more than usual. Well, about ten minutes in I got a bit of a cramp in my index finger. I worked it out eventually, but other than that, no I was perfectly fine.

BASH: How do you explain the number of deaths then?

BOYLE: The truth is that my philosophy...

BASH: ...you being a vegan?

BOYLE: No, my being a pacifist, requires me not to commit violence upon anyone.

BASH: It's a video game Mr. Boyle.

BOYLE: To you, but to me it is a way of life.

BASH: I saw some of the video from last night's game. Time after time people drew down on you and yet you turned the other cheek. And in a very troubling sequence, one opponent, {XMF} Cornholer, not only raked you with gunfire, but how shall I say this, he "tea-bagged" you.

BOYLE: All true. Though Cornholer told me it was a chamomile teabag. It's a pacifist's drink...how could you get angry over that.

BASH: Dude, your whole team deserted you. After death number fifty, they stopped auto-assigning and switched sides. Surely, that must have affected your morale?

BOYLE: Not really. Did Dr. King lose heart at Selma? Did Gandhi give up when he couldn't pronounce "Satyagraha" the first few times?

BASH: I suppose not. But why Call of Duty? Why not pick a game more in keeping with the pacifist philosophy? Maybe even join "Second Life".

BOYLE: Well, truth be told, my girlfriend, Sky, thinks I'm a wimp. By playing CoD2, I wanted to show her I'm not. She told me that CoD2 is played by overly aggressive macho types. And to take the kind of beating I took last night - it takes more than machismo. My opponents totally pwned my ass - and I kept coming back for more. I was a man.

How 'bout that, Sky? Now will you love me?

Oh...and the graphics totally rock. You want some cherry flavored tofu?

Related articles:

cod2-player-levitates-during-scrim.html
why-do-you-play?
sociological-underpinnings-of-meanieface >:<
cod2-weapons-choice-and-valor

This guy needs a diagnosis, Dr Phil.

Boom Headshot - Funny bloopers R us

What do you think Dr. Phil would say 'bout this dude?

BASH's new Digs

For those of you who remember, a while back, the BASH studios here in Toronto were blown to smithereens in what I would like to think was a well co-ordinated terrorist accident - for which not a single charge has yet to be laid, unless you count the traffic ticket I got for double parking one hour before the explosives went off.

Well, we here at BASH would like to tell you that we will debut the new state of the art web-cast studio facilities, high atop the new 100 storey Scungile Tower in Downtown Toronto, this week..

The full details will be provided to BASH's extensive fan base on Saturday the 28th of April, at 10:00am just prior to the Chef Draft on the Food Network.

Yes, we finally put the financing together, thanks to a generous loan from the Western New Jersey Wastemanagement Group, and we're going to be webcasting from the penthouse suite of the just-completed Scungile skyscraper starting next week. I'm so excited I can hardly keep from showing off my new $400 porcelain laminate veneers I just had my dentist install, which is a shame because its a webcast program and not a vidcast. Oh well. Use your imagination.

CoD2 player levitates during scrim

Levitation earns player uber pwner status

Staff
April 19, 2007 Special BASH report

SWAMPGAS, FL - In a stunning development in the gaming world, new Call of Duty 2, Devil-Dogz recruit, {DD}BrOtHeRGaNoOsH, has apparently mastered the secret of levitation during a TWL sanctioned scrim.

In a BASH exclusive, photographs of BrOtHeRGaNoOsH performing this mystical act, are categorical confirmation that he was able to momentarily suspend the laws of gravity.

A few prominent physicists contacted by BASH, unwilling to allow their names to be published due to fears of being ridiculed by their peers, have now even speculated that gravity may now actually be demoted from a law to a mere "guideline" as a result of this spectacular feat.

Levitation, or psychokinesis (PK) is defined as the ability to lift into the air without any visible physical means and float or fly around. The phenomenon has been said to have occurred in the past and limited to shamans, mediums or persons demonically possessed. This is the first time it has ever been associated with a video game avatar.

BASH was not able to contact "the Noosh" as BrOtHeRGaNoOsH is known in CoD2 gaming circles, he did leave the following voicemail greeting on his answering machine: "Yo, I'm not home right now - leave a message (grunt sound)".

The grunt sound was clearly audible in the recording and sent chills up this reporter's spine when it was overheard. BASH staffers also reported hearing what sounded like someone opening a can of beer at the end of the recording, but this could not be substantiated.

Friends of "the Noosh" speculate that he has somehow uncovered this long lost artform from the few texts left behind by 10th century Arab historian, Abul Hasan ("Bubba") Ali Al-Masudi. Al-Masudi is known for writing a 30 volume history of the world, in which, he commented on the fact that the pyramids were built by Egyptians levitating rocks on magic papyrus.

One CoD2 gamer, TotalKrap, claims to have seen "the Noosh" accidentally text chat "/bind F magicpapyrus" onto the screen, rather than in console just before he allegedly began to float. Other players contacted by BASH are not so sure and say that he merely pressed the jump key and only seemed to float. Clearly, these people have not seen the visual evidence.

Regardless of its tactical significance, {DD} BrOtHeRGaNoOsH, has achieved CoD2 uber pwner status for this fantastic stunt.

Hate da Playa

Episode 14 of BASH features the codrap song "HaTe dA PlaYa (Cod God)" by Jock Yitch and DJ X.

The song strikes out against the few players on the COD servers who cause all the problems. You know who you are!

Here are the lyrics:

COD Astrology

The all seeing, all knowing soothsayer, Jock Yitch, predicts your COD2 future!




More COD funnies:

why-do-you-play?
sociological-underpinnings-of-meanieface >:<
cod2-weapons-choice-and-valor

The DD

The lyrics to "The DD", a COD2 raptactular that selected DJ-X as the new BASH audio engineer:



Here's what BASH fans are saying about the hip-hop episode:

I'm also sorry to have heard Rapper DJ-X, I'll never get that out of my head! (I was practically crying while listening to it!)
- LT

What up B!! OMG!!!! I couldn't stop laughing. I just listened to Bash: Special Edition 1. That was hilarious!!! Nuff props for even trying to rap.
p.s. I'm gonna go listen to Run DMZ right now! lol
-RB

Why do you play?

Brooke Savage
BASH Videotainment Reporter
(c) BASH 2007

Why do you play Call of Duty Multiplayer?

BASH asked that question to five celebrities recently and here are their answers:

Roseann (Rosie) O'Donnell (COD Nickname: "A tuff chick"):

As you know, I'm trying to keep my kids away from all that pointless viol... Hey! Is that a ham sandwich you've got there? I'm starved. Do you mind?

Dick Cheney, Vice-President (COD Nickname: "Vice-noobtard"):

Since I had to stop hunting, you know, that dumb court-order over the shot-gun thing, it has been good outlet for my violent urges. I used to suck at COD2, but I just downloaded an aimbot and now I so totally "pent" ... sorry, I mean "pwn".

Paris Hilton (COD Nickname: "213-253-8358 Call me!"):

Are you kidding? There are ten, blonde hunky Nazi's chasing me around all game with their loaded guns trying to score. Now, that's hot!

Britney Spears (COD Nickname: "I so pwn Federline's ass"):

Totally! I'm a hardcore gamer. I enjoy playing because I play a really cool drinking game when I'm online. I take a shot everytime someone uses the word "noob" and two shots if anyone uses the word "the".

Tim Hardaway (COD Nickname: "High Post Back Door Play"):

I play CTF. I just love capping fags. The action's awesome. What? "flag"? With an "l"? Are you sure. Damn, am I embarassed.

DOD to use COD4 players as soldiers in robot army?

Washington D.C.
Seymour Shleppermoteur
BASH Senior Robot Army Correspondent

A Department of Defense worker, who would not reveal his identity today, revealed to BASH that the United State's large and growing robotic army will not only go into action early next year, but that unaware gamers would be at their controls.

In this bizarre, but extremely plausible scenario, the DOD's one-million and half military grade assault robots would be grouped into battalions and flown into world trouble spots. Once on the ground they would be charged up and armed by human military robot-minders and linked to a massively-multi-node battlefield telecommunications network (BTN). Data links to North America would be established and motile control transferred over to human "tele-soldiers", one per robot, sitting in front of a computer screen. The tele-soldiers would then command the robots using only simple keyboard clicks and a mouse.

This concept is not new and the United States Robotic Assault Force (USRAF) has been in place for some time. While the robotic technology has proven robust, the problem has been to find a million and a half human beings willing and able to command the robots. The robosoldier is not fitted with Artificial Intelligence and requires human input for it to move, shoot, dig foxholes and so on. And the only people capable of performing well in virtual military maneuvers are already busy...playing first person shooter video games.

The breakthrough apparently has been found through work being conducted by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA). To address the lack of skilled people guiding the robosoldiers, DARPA is recommending that gamers be recruited as telesoldiers. But, these players will not be told that the consequence of their virtual actions will have real-world implications.

As yet unidentified game manufacturer's will modify their games so that when players log into multiplayer mode, they will automatically be logged into the BTN system and allow seamless control by a player over a lethal robosoldier.

Game scenarios will constantly be kept up to date with real-world events and will be made to match battlefield objectives. Robot sensors will convey battlespace information back to the player, who will unknowingly guide his "player" into that space in an attempt to score what he thinks are points. The on-screen images the player sees will still appear to be all part of the game and the player will not be aware of the reality of his actions.

Apparently, DARPA and the DOD were reluctant to implement this plan but both Korea and India are forcing their hand (india's robot army). Our source in the DOD went on to say that in addition this was a natural evolution given that we have been under the control of robopoliticians for years.

Call of Duty 4 Disinformation v2.0

BASH does not yet know what COD4 will be like, but we know what the COD4 Expansion pack - set for Fall of 2008 will contain.

Our source at IW, "Megabyte-me" sends us these tantalizing facts:

"The COD4 Expansion pack will be known as National Guard Rebellion. The game is set in 2008. National Guard units fighting in foreign lands rebel at postings so far from their home and take the fight to the nation's capital itself.
The weaponry will still date to World War II due to the fact that National Guard units never get the best weapons.
Rebellion will follow Guard Dwight Hill and his platoon as they battle against House of Representative pages and undersecretary's.
In the final battle for the Capitol, Hill's team comes up against an embattled Vice-president who is holed up in a trench with five of his aides, three of whom he has wounded himself."

Sociological underpinnings of the Meanieface >:<

BASH Natural Science Article
Dr. Peddigrew Moulton III; Semotician, Department of Sociology, York Univ., Toronto

Whilst doing basic research for my best-selling post-doctorate thesis "Sacred Self-pleasuring Ceremonies amongst the Koori Tribes of Australia", or as it's become known in the lay community, "One Hand washes the other", I came across an interesting sociological phenomenon.

One evening, while playing on a Call of Duty server back in 2006, I began to notice a distinct ancient symbol being displayed in player's nicknames.

It was the Meanieface: > : <

This symbol is ancient and can be seen painted on heroic warriors stretching back to the beginning of time. It's purpose was to strike fear in the heart of their enemy and simultaneously hearten their comrades.

I had not come across the symbol in recent emoticon literature; interestingly, the last public sighting of this symbol was back in 1938, hand scrawled on a poster of Benito Mussolini in Rome's Piazza di Spagna by a graffiti artist.

Clearly, witnessing the symbol's return was a shocking event for me as it signals a possible return of violent and regressive behavior in society. The uptick in violence around the world and the near constant talk of war these last few years have certainly contributed to the return of this symbol.

This is why I thought I would alert the readers of BASH to it's return and to warn of the slippery slope that might be ahead of us. If history teaches us anything it is that life is a cycle and we are simply going through a phase. Hopefully, we can pass through this quickly. Indeed witness a picture of Mussolini only five years after the one taken above:

Reference Links:

Emoticons http://www.muller-godschalk.com/emoticon.html
Semiotics: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semiotics

Wojohowski missing, feared lost

New Jersey - BASH Special Investigation (copyright 2007)

BASH has just learned that our intrepid Fashion, Automotive and Crime Reporter, Hillary Wojohowski has gone missing.

Police in Garden City are quoted as saying that while she was reported missing only yesterday she has actually been gone since last Friday.

Phyllis Melman, of Passaic N.J., a life-long friend of the reporter told BASH that this was no surprise to her, "...no one really notices Hillary. She could be the only one in the room and she'd blend in with the lamp. She's quite dull, you see".

Sgt. Larry Enright of the New Jersey State Police said there was absolutely no evidence of foul play or that her expose' of the Western New Jersey Wastemanagement Group had anything to do with this, "At least that's what it says on this bit of paper I was asked to read", said Sgt. Enright.

COD to English Dictionary

As most of you remember, the first three or four months playing COD2 multiplayer, aside from having your butt kicked by the experienced players, one of the most frustrating parts of the experience is the lack of familarity with the words and phrases that we now take for granted on here.

As a service to the new and/or foreign (english-as-a-second language) player I thought I'd put together a list of acronyms and COD-ishisms that we regularly hear on the servers.

So here is my COD to English Dictionary. Please post entries you have come across in the comments sections.

• AWE - Additional War Effects, COD2 multiplayer modification by Bell.
• bash - killing your opponent by hitting him with your rifle.
• bashfests - bash only games (no shooting)
  
• bolts - rifles
• boyscout - see camper.
  
• bunnyhopping - describes jumping about during a close combat fight.
• camper - a player that stays put in a hidden spot and seldom moves: a tactic most despised on multiplayer servers.
  
• cap - score a flag in Capture the Flag game
• COD - Call of Duty
• collision point - the point on the map where two opposing teams will likely clash.
  
• CTF - capture the flag (gametype)
• DM - death match (gametype)
• DOM - domination (gametype)
• FPS - first person shooter game
• fragger - see "run'n gun"
  
• HTF - hold the flag (gametype)
• ledging - leaning out of windows or exploiting the map
• nadefest - games where there was an excessive use of fragmentation grenades.
  
• nft - nice freaking trip (trip wire kill)
• nn - nice grenade (nice nade)
• ns - nice shot
• own (also pwn) - dominate over another player in combat
• pb - Punk Buster
• run'n gun - a server that encourages "running and gunning" tactics
  
• scrim - scrimmage (match) against another team
  
• TDM - Team death match (gametype)
• TWL - Team warefare league
• VIP - Very important player. AWE gametype.