Raw Meat: Vegan Call of Duty player gets pwned
Jock Yitch, (c) 2007In a spectacular act of futility last night, vegan and well-known pacifist, Lance Boyle, a.k.a. "Cholesterol", as he is known in the online gaming world, managed to die a grand total of one-hundred and twelve times during a fifteen minute game of Call of Duty 2, Capture the Flag (CTF).
This feat of daring-do-not, came within three deaths of the current all-time record for being killed in a game of CTF. That honor of course goes to the late Finnish CoD2 player, Kai Knukleheden ({XMF} Shoot-me-now): 185 consecutive deaths.
While Knukleheden would later attribute his lack of skill to "a spate of bad luck", Boyle has not yet admitted any such deficiency.
This afternoon, BASH caught up with "Cholesterol" and we asked him where his game went horribly wrong.
BASH: Mr. Boyle, you were killed one-hundred and twelve times in twenty minutes, that's once every ten seconds. Were you having trouble focusing last night?Related articles:
BOYLE: No more than usual. Well, about ten minutes in I got a bit of a cramp in my index finger. I worked it out eventually, but other than that, no I was perfectly fine.
BASH: How do you explain the number of deaths then?
BOYLE: The truth is that my philosophy...
BASH: ...you being a vegan?
BOYLE: No, my being a pacifist, requires me not to commit violence upon anyone.
BASH: It's a video game Mr. Boyle.
BOYLE: To you, but to me it is a way of life.
BASH: I saw some of the video from last night's game. Time after time people drew down on you and yet you turned the other cheek. And in a very troubling sequence, one opponent, {XMF} Cornholer, not only raked you with gunfire, but how shall I say this, he "tea-bagged" you.
BOYLE: All true. Though Cornholer told me it was a chamomile teabag. It's a pacifist's drink...how could you get angry over that.
BASH: Dude, your whole team deserted you. After death number fifty, they stopped auto-assigning and switched sides. Surely, that must have affected your morale?
BOYLE: Not really. Did Dr. King lose heart at Selma? Did Gandhi give up when he couldn't pronounce "Satyagraha" the first few times?
BASH: I suppose not. But why Call of Duty? Why not pick a game more in keeping with the pacifist philosophy? Maybe even join "Second Life".
BOYLE: Well, truth be told, my girlfriend, Sky, thinks I'm a wimp. By playing CoD2, I wanted to show her I'm not. She told me that CoD2 is played by overly aggressive macho types. And to take the kind of beating I took last night - it takes more than machismo. My opponents totally pwned my ass - and I kept coming back for more. I was a man.
How 'bout that, Sky? Now will you love me?
Oh...and the graphics totally rock. You want some cherry flavored tofu?
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