BASH Studio Personnel

Here's the scoop on my crew here in the Studio.

Of course I couldn't do the show without the enormous help from my, mostly competent staff. I hired most of them myself. I was on a meth and vodka binge the month I did most of my hiring, so I am really pleased at how well things turned out. Could have been much worse! I am on an 11 step program now and things are cool. I was on a 12 stepper, but why push it, eh? Here are some of the more important players:

Host

The host has to be personable, possessing razor sharp wit and dulcet toned. He must be good looking....sexy even (has to bring in 16-35 yr old female audience after all). The host quarterbacks the webcast. He has to be smart enough to make audibles to his staff and agile enough to leap over obstacles they may throw up in his way.

With great humility, I am clearly the only one on the staff that can fill this role. Meet Jock Yitch, esq. Mellifluous sounds and chick magnet, rolled into one package.

Keep the squealing down girls...high frequency sounds frighten me. Just throw panties. I love panties....droooool.

Producer

Juan Pablo "Chico" Escobar Esquierdo, a.k.a. "Rolling Thunder" (he likes chili). Esquierdo was one of the most successful radio producers of all time. Heard of Dr. Laura? How about The Wendy Williams Experience? The Don and Mike Show? Great programs that Esquierdo had nothing to do with, but were amongst his favorites. Chico did produce "Grand Funk" a talk show on depression, for a small community college in Mississauga, Ontario. All was well until the college found out he was nearly completely deaf and was faking the whole thing. Talk about talent! I knew I had to get this guy and I did. It took a lot of hand waving to convince him let me tell you. Yessireee.

Well, a $599.99 CAD hearing aid later, he's got enough hearing to put together the wonderful show you get to hear every week.

Gaffer

From the Latin, gaffo (v), to gaff. The gaffer takes the art of duct-taping to new heights. This is as you can imagine a highly, highly important and praised talent in such media arts as radio and television and of course the much ballyhooed porn industry (an under appreciated talent...ever try taking a band aid off your hairy arm?). If the host is the heart of the show, the producer is the brain, the gaffer is probably the big toe (on the left foot).

Yorgi Uzbek was our gaffer. He embodied the Classical Greco-Roman form of gaffo-ludicrinario. An excerpt from our HR profiles booklet (Ba!shites), he can be described as 6'2", 200 lbs, closely cropped hair and soulful, caring eyes. Square shoulders and tight buttocks. He was a Russian immigrant from the textile town of Vagina, Kurgan (Belozerzky). Yorgi had it all. That is, if you include a clapped-out 1975 Fiat-Uno and a real bad case of recurring Herpes.

Yorgi was a gaffer's gaffer. Unfortunately, his stints in Chechnya as a young lieutenant in the Russian special forces (Spetsnaz) may have caused untold psychological trauma.

Maybe this is what caused him to allegedly blow up the BASH Studios here in downtown Toronto. I however, am positive it was a misunderstanding. Yorgi couldn't speak English well and my instructions for a new microphone could easily have been interpreted as "set demolition charges to all the structural supports in the building, wire the charges and set the detonator...then stand back and depress the plunger". Could have happened to anyone.

Yorgi is on the lam right now. He can be identified by his picture at right (the obvious question mark tattoo should give him away).

Sound/Audio Engineer

The single most dangerous profession in webcasting. BASH lost it's first Audio Engineer to a ricochet hollow-point during an all out assault in the first week of the show. Bob "Lefty" Terwilliger recovered from being shot but he quit the show soon after.

In his place, BASH is blessed to have Friedrich "Meier" Teufelhunde working the knobs. Freidrich has been working his knobs all his life and has gotten really really good at it. This photo was taken last week and shows the state of the art studio we used to have. Alas...

Friedrich comes from the great Schweinhaus Deutschrock production studios in Stuttgart. He was the one who told Silbermond to lose the guitars and instead use the mouth harp for their great power chord ballad "Mein schlong ist wunderbar".

The Studio

BASH comes from the hub of one of the most dynamic cities in the known world: Toronto, Canada. The big smoke. Hog Town. The Queen City. Trawna. The formerly state of the art facilities are now a smouldering ruin (see photo right). But we will rebuild.

To my American friends, here are a few facts about Toronto:

• The downtown is populated by mostly Sunni Canadians and they hate the Shiite Canadians living in the suburbs (known as the 905 area).
• No one in Toronto speaks French. If you hear anyone speaking French, the immediate area (by a law enacted by Parliament) becomes a free fire zone. It's the only time Canadians are allowed to use firearms.
• Toronto is a multicultural city. Torontonians are all inclusive and love immigrants as long as their house prices continue to climb at record rates, else they should all be sent back to the flea-infested holes they all came from.
• Toronto is a clean city. We have a huge cleaning staff that washes the sidewalks with Palmolive just before the morning rush-hour.